Forgiving infidelity or signing a divorce, which is worse?
Forgiving infidelity or signing a divorce?
The definition of deception can vary between couples: having sex with another person, the secret consumption of pornography, virtual love affairs and even exchange of glances.
Is divorce the only solution when your partner cheats you?
Marriages fail for many reasons, but one of the most common – and whose overcoming is a challenge – happens upon discovering that one of the partners has “cheated” the other person.
I put the word in quotes because the definition of infidelity can vary widely between couples.
Although most of the time it has to do with sexual acts with a person other than the declared spouse or partner. There are also couples who are separated by the secret consumption of pornography by one of the spouses.
A purely emotional relationship without any sexual contact, virtual love affairs or even the exchange of looks of desire or flirting with a person other than the couple.
Is divorce the best solution? Infidelity is far from being a new phenomenon: it has existed since people began to unite in pairs, either through marriage or another type of commitment.
Marriage counselors report that sometimes infidelities occur in happy relationships, as well as in those with problems.
Does work influence an ‘affair’?
The incidence is higher when emotional and sexual relationships without intercourse happen. The more women who work outside the home, the chances of having an affair increase proportionally.
Much has been written about infidelity; more recently, two excellent and books published lately: The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel and Healing from Infidelity by Michele Weiner-Davis, both psychotherapists.
Both books are based on the extensive experience of the authors with the therapy of couples whose relationships have been shattered by infidelity.
It depends on what caused one of the partners to leave and how determined the couple is to stay together, infidelity does not necessarily have to end in divorce.
Marriage counselors have discovered that couples who decide to recover from infidelity and rebuild life to achieve a stronger. More loving and mutually understanding relationship than they previously had.
“People who have suffered a betrayal need to know that there is no reason to be ashamed to stay in the marriage. That does not mean they are being trampled; they are fighting.
The gift they give to their families as they work to overcome the pain is enormous ”
Perel accepts that “some infidelities will give a lethal blow to a relationship”.
However, he wrote: “Others can inspire the change that was so necessary. Treason goes deep, but it has a remedy.
How to be happy knowing that you were deceived?
Many people are deeply concerned about the well-being of their partners even as they lie to them, just as many of the people who have suffered the infidelity of their partner continue to love them and want to find a way to stay together. “
Forgive the deception or discard the spouse?
Precisely what was the position in which a friend was found after discovering the infidelity of her husband? “I wanted to kick him out of the house immediately.”
“But I realized that I did not want to divorce. My friends did it and ended up raising children alone with so many sad stories and problems. I wanted my son, who was then four years old, to have a happy life and a present father in his life. But I knew that we need to restructure our relationship if we were going to stay together, we had to go to therapy!
“I know we are not the perfect couple. I was so focused on taking care of my son, and my husband was not getting what he needed from me. We should all have the right to make mistakes and learn from them. We learned the hard way!
Pros and cons of forgiving an infidelity
Infidelity can weigh heavily in a relationship, however, if you are going through a situation of this type, try to take some time to make your decision, listening not only to your emotions but also your reason. Forgiving infidelity is possible.
That does not mean that everyone should do it, or that it is the only possible way after the injury. But before forgiving a fact of this type, value the pros and cons of this personal choice beyond the age you have at that time.
Advantages of forgiving an infidelity
1. If you want that person and that person wants you in the same way, forgiveness is the opportunity to continue writing together a new chapter of this love story leaving behind the past as an adult.
2. You can learn from what happened.
Sometimes, love gives you lessons of learning along the way from unpleasant experiences. After infidelity, you can learn significant aspects, for example, how to improve the communication of a couple or how to take care of the day-to-day details.
3. You have the possibility of self-criticism since sometimes, infidelity is only the consequence of a period of estrangement in the couple.
That is, it is the definitive symptom that something was not going well between the two. However, it is possible to redirect the situation through a couple of therapy, for example.
4. You can define new rules in the relationship and express your limits. That is, by forgiving infidelity you have the opportunity to lay the foundations of the new love by the previous relation. In this stage, you have the chance to correct errors and reinforce the virtues.
Therefore, you can become your best version, the protagonist of the fairy tale of your life where the happy ending is possible after infidelity. The order of the factors does not alter the product in love!
It is a question of not throwing away everything lived in common by a matter of pride if what happened has not been so important as to extinguish the force of this story.
Disadvantages of forgiving an infidelity
1. What happened will remain in the memory like a shadow that can sprout in your mind in times of crisis and insecurity.
It is one thing to forgive and another to forget. That is, the fact of infidelity starts at the moment in which it occurs, but leaves its mark on trust.
2. Live the suffering. Not forgiving infidelity puts you in the situation of living the grieving process for the breakup of a couple.
However, forgiving what happened also hurts because you have to make a great effort to leave behind the negative feelings of anger, resentment, frustration, and resentment.
3. Some people important to you will not understand your decision.
And this can make you doubt your choice by increasing the feeling of loneliness in this stage of the crisis. However, remember that beyond the external advice, the decision is yours because it is about your life.
4. The process of recovering trust can be slow.
Therefore, forgiveness forces you to manage with emotional intelligence the stress of uncertainty, not knowing how everything will evolve in the future.
Therefore, if you are suffering from the infidelity of your partner. Try not to position yourself as a victim of the situation, since as a protagonist you can decide the advantages and disadvantages of forgiving this fact. Listen to your heart to listen to your inner voice!
Effect of divorce on children
Children are a compelling reason to be well in the family and not to separate.
Divorce figures are significant. What has led to studies on the influence it can have on children. The social dimension of the effects on offspring cannot escape us.
Important figures are shuffled. In the developed western world almost half of the children will find their parents divorced.
Key Risk factors for children in divorce couples:
While studying the effects of divorce on kids, it is difficult to determine if it is the divorce itself that affects them or a series of social factors. That very often accompany the separation of couples. Among the social factors stand out:
Loss of purchasing power.
Coexistence in common supposes the saving of a series of expenses that shared. The separation entails a loss of significant purchasing power.
Change of residence, school, and friends.
Parental divorce entails significant changes in the child’s environment. You may have to change schools or residency. The impact of this factor on the development and social adjustment of the child is significant.
Coexistence forced with a father or with family members of any of them. Not always the choice of the father with whom one lives is that the child wants.
The family of the separated supports the additional work and frequently provides the necessary support. So that the father who takes charge of the child can carry out their work or leisure activities.
This factor entails a coexistence with adults, often very enriching and others not so much.
A decrease in the action of the father with whom they do not live.
The father who is not permanently with his son ceases to exercise a constant influence on him and can not consider modifying behaviors. That he does not like on weekends that he has to visit.
On the other hand, the child loses access to the skills of the father who does not live with him, with the consequent reduction of his training possibilities.
Introduction of new couples of parents.
It is a factor with tremendous importance in the adaptation of children and has a significant effect on the parent/child relationship.
If they occur, besides emotional factors in the parents the adverse effects in the children can multiply. For example:
A bad acceptance of divorce by one of the parents can lead him to live with a depressed or hostile person.
A divorce entails, in its essence, a certain hostility between the parents.
When that hostility transfers to the children, trying to take sides or to see the other person as a being with many defects. The child is pressure to see his father from a wrong point of view. Because he will have many faults, but it will always be his father.
If the hostility between them persists after the divorce, it is difficult that it does not affect the coexistence with the child.
Effects of these factors
The effects of divorce, whether due to these factors or the separation itself, studies indicate that the impact. That had been found on children whose parents had divorced and pointed out differences with children whose parents continue together:
A decrease in academic performance.
Emotional difficulties such as depression, fear, anxiety,
It has been found that these effects of divorce on children were not limited to the period of separation, but transcended throughout their lives.
An interesting factor, the difficulties they found to believe in the continuity of the couple so that their level of commitment to the couple was much lower. Keep in mind that commitment is an essential element in both the stability of the couple and the degree of happiness.
Emotional effects of divorce on children
As always, it should be noted that the emotional reactions that occur in children are not predetermined. They depend on some critical factors, such as the child’s history and the way and ability to face the new situation. That has a tremendous influence on their life.
For guidance, some of the reactions that may appear depending on age:
– From three to five years:
They feel guilty for not having done the homework or not having eaten. Their magical thinking leads them to take tremendously imaginary responsibilities.
They fear being left alone and abandoned. You should remember that in these ages the parents constitute the entire universe of the children. The relationship in the couple is the medium in which they are cared for and maintained.
– The most challenging age is 6 to 12 years.
They realize that they have a problem and that it hurts and they do not know how to react to that pain.
They believe that parents can come together again and press or perform acts that carry only a feeling of failure or additional problems in the couple.
– Teenagers experience:
Fear, loneliness, depression, and guilt.
They doubt their ability to marry or to maintain their relationship.
As an element to take into account in the assignment of children to parents is the finding that children raised by the father of the same sex develop better.
Divorce cannot be considered as a cause of psychological problems, but as a factor that makes the person more vulnerable.
Friendship is the marriage of the soul, and this marriage is liable to divorce. Voltaire
I don´t see divorce as a failure. I see it as the end of a story. In a story, everything has an end and a beginning. Olga Kurylenko
Divorce is one of the most destructive, emotionally traumatic experiences a human being can go through, no matter if you´re the instigator or the recipient. It´s hard, and it hurts, and it takes a long time to feel normal again. Emily V. Gordon